Insurance blows

I got an email yesterday from a dear friend of mine. She has two beautiful daughters but she and her husband want a third. Turns out her fucking insurance covers IUIs at 100% and 90% of IVF. Up to $1500 out of pocket annual max. I want to be happy for her but haven't responded yet because her email angered me. I know she meant well and actually showed me a job posting with her husband's job. She meant well but all I could think is that she already has two girls and we who don't and can't even have one are already out probably $30,000 over the past two years. I am so angry at insurance in this country. It's not fair. (and to take a job with her husband's company would mean moving over 1000 miles and changing everything.

Are you KIDDING me????

Just when I thought not much more could go wrong, it did. Almost to a point that makes me laugh about this shit.

Here's the timeline of the last 9.5 months. Last June, I got pregnant. It was ectopic. I went through the emotional nightmare of having to terminate that pregnancy. Our due date was March 17, 2012 - yesterday. Keep that date in mind. I always knew it would be tough, but never actually knew it could be worse than a missed due date.

Fast forward to January 2012. We do our first IVF cycle. BFN on February 20. Great.

Next month (as in this past cycle), we literally did not try. I was aware of my CM and other signs because I've been living that shit for 2 years, but there are no "we must have sex right now" conversations.Guess what. Yup, I get pregnant. I get a positive (very light) pee stick at night on March 15 and another (very light) in the morning on March 16.

Guess what happens next? On March 17, our fucking due date? You guessed it. I get a VERY negative pee test. Another god damned chemical pregnancy.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???? What next?!?!?!?!

They have my babies

My husband and I have been trying for a little over two years. It wasn't until about 18 months into trying that we thought we had broken the nasty cycle. We got pregnant. 5 weeks into it, we were delighted. 5 weeks and 1 day into it, still delighted. Then I had some cramping on one side and some spotting. I went in for an ultrasound. Given my history of not getting pregnant, they wanted to see me. I went in alone because my husband was at work. They told me they suspected I had an ectopic pregnancy. I went home that night to think about it but couldn't sleep for fear that my pregnancy would kill me. The next day, we went in - together this time - and were told conclusively that it was ectopic. We decided to terminate right then and there and I had my (painful) shots of methotrexate.

Fast forward a few weeks. I'm still in mourning, trying to fake being ok to the rest of the world. My husband's brother calls my husband to tell him the great news: they're pregnant. No "sorry to break the news to you, I know this is tough on you." Just "delighted, we're pregnant." Turns out they got pregnant the week we had to terminate.

They have my baby.

This past cycle was my first IVF cycle and it ended in a big fat fucking negative. Fast forward to yesterday (about a week and a half after I got my negative blood draw result). A friend of mine who has a daughter and who has been trying unsuccessfully for only 2 months to make baby # 2 told me: I'm pregnant. Great. She got pregnant the week my IVF was failing. Guess what.

She has my baby. 

I will wait with baited breath because I know it's coming: someone else I know well in real life who hasn't been dealing with infertility will announce a pregnancy with a due date at the end of October. I will then know where my second IVF embryo ended up.

Someone else will have my baby.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

Here I go

Well, I'm brand new to this blog because I made a mistake. Like some of you, when I started blogging, I told too many of my IRL friends about my blog. Gave them the website. None of them were pregnant at the time and silly me thought I'd get pregnant anytime now so who needs a blog about infertility. Slowly, over the next 13 months, my blog turned from a scheme to help myself unwind into an online diary about my battle with infertility. Slowly, as we went through IUIs and failed IVF, I realized I didn't have the safe space to bitch - sometimes about IRL friends - that I needed. Don't get me wrong, my IRL friends who know about our journey are, for the most part, very supportive. But I still am PISSED OFF that so many of them get pregnant without even trying. I am PISSED OFF that I am left behind, feeling used, bruised, and beaten. So, I am starting a brand new AND TOTALLY ANONYMOUS blog where I can say whatever the hell I want knowing nobody I know will read this (or know it's me).

Also, I need a space where I can say the terrible things that sometimes fill my head. I need to be able to get them out because, let's face it, only people dealing with infertility understand them. That they're not really me, but have been brought on by infertility. I can't talk to my husband about them because he doesn't fully understand (and because he is an absolutely wonderful human). I can put them on my other blog except that too many IRL friends read it and they wouldn't understand. So, I will use this space as a place to put whatever the hell is in my mind, even if it's something I would never ever admit to anyone in real life. 

WARNING: I do not believe swear words are bad words. I think they serve their purpose and I will be using them, probably regularly, in this blog.