What is wrong with me?!

I have an IRL friend who TTCd for about a year before taking 3 months off. She and her husband took time off because her sister is getting married in April and she couldn't risk getting pregnant and being too pregnant to attend the wedding.

So they started TTCing again in September. She got pregnant in October and had her 6 week ultrasound today.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME that I secretly with that she had received bad news at the ultrasound. I know I don't truly mean that thought, but it sits with me and I hate myself for it.

She tells me she is measuring at 6w5d when she should be at 7w5d (she ovulated late) and I find myself hoping that means she'll miscarry.

She has another ultrasound on 12/28 and I wonder whether that'll bring bad news.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I hate myself right now. SO SO SO much.

Religious crap pisses me off

I have a friend. She has become rather (read: WAY TOO) religious over the past few years. It freaks me out a bit and it's hard to talk to her because just about every conversation includes god and religion in some way. I often feel like she's judging me for not being religious or that she's maybe even thinking that I'm not pregnant because I haven't yet found god.

Let me give you a little back ground. I was raised religious. I think religion is a fucking joke. And that organized religion is almost single-handedly responsible for most of the problems in the world. If I had one wish, I'd probably wish for religion to just GO. AWAY.

With that, I will tell you that it was all I could do not NOT EXPLODE when I got a friendly religious email from this friend. An email about my miscarriage and D&C. An email in which she sent me all this religious crap to help me through this. I wanted to throw my computer when I got her email. Instead, I sat on the email a little while before politely responding.

Let me make one thing clear: god doesn't give a shit about me and my infertility. God doesn't have a plan for me. As a single human being, I am inconsequential to any god you may believe in. I won't miraculously become knocked up if I find god. My medical problems won't all go away if I start taking myself to church on Sundays. So please, for the love of god, leave religion out of this (or at the very least, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF).

So many losses, mine included

So many losses these past few weeks. Mine included. I learned yesterday that my baby had no heartbeat. That it died about a week ago and never got past the 8 1/2 week stage. Despite a strong heartbeat, my body still managed to fuck this one up. D&C should hopefully give some answers, but I'm not holding out too much hope.

I told the friends that know. One of them knows not through me - meaning someone else broke my confidence and told him. I was so pissed at her back when she told him. Even though he is a good friend, he is a person who doesn't believe in "breeding" and I knew would judge me. I told him yesterday that I lost my pregnancy. Sure enough, he sent me some email about the human species always trying to defy nature (and gave me examples of nose jobs and boob jobs and hair loss treatment) and that nature doesn't want to be defied. Told me the IVF we went through is defying nature, so I shouldn't be surprised that it didn't work. I wrote back how horrible his email was, and told him to fuck off. That friendship is over.

FUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK.

Found the other baby

Remember that post where I said "they have my baby" and I talked about eventually finding my other IVF baby? Well, I found it. It moved in right fucking next door to me. My neighbor of 8 years sold his house and the people moving in - yup, they have my baby. They have a son who is about a year old and "accidentally" got pregnant with this second baby. They are due in October. Great, at least my babies have tried to come close to home. AHHHH!!!!!!

Sister

I have been thinking about this for a while and decided this morning that I need to blog about it. My sister and her girlfriend visited us for a week last week. One morning, while her girlfriend was sleeping in, my sister and I walked to a local coffee shop. We were chatting about random stuff, including my step-mother-in-law (who is really quite controlling and can be difficult to handle - my sister knows her). I mentioned that all of the daughters-in-law (there are currently 3 of us, with 2 more almosts) find her annoying and difficult. I mentioned in passing "when I was having so much trouble with [sister-in-law's] pregnancy, one thing I laughed about is how she has [steph-mom-in-law] right there to annoy her constantly once she gives birth." My sister responded not with a laugh or something funny but instead with "yeah, I never quite could understand how you can have a problem with [sister-in-law] being pregnant." I looked at her and said "no, you can't understand, and I hope you never do have to understand." Shut her up. But I really couldn't believe her. For judging me. Not that this really matters, but she is a gay woman who is considering marrying her current partner. She has considered marrying every partner, and I have never judged her when she says "we are thinking of getting married." I have never said "you think that about everyone, how about letting the relationship go a few years and see if it's still healthy?" This current relationship is just (last week) one year old. And they spent the first 9 months of it living in cities close to 1000 miles apart.

The kicker was that she said "we're going to look into having a baby at the end of this year. I have wondered how you'll feel about this and whether you'll be angry at me."

First of all, what? Second of all, double what?

Whatever.

Insurance blows

I got an email yesterday from a dear friend of mine. She has two beautiful daughters but she and her husband want a third. Turns out her fucking insurance covers IUIs at 100% and 90% of IVF. Up to $1500 out of pocket annual max. I want to be happy for her but haven't responded yet because her email angered me. I know she meant well and actually showed me a job posting with her husband's job. She meant well but all I could think is that she already has two girls and we who don't and can't even have one are already out probably $30,000 over the past two years. I am so angry at insurance in this country. It's not fair. (and to take a job with her husband's company would mean moving over 1000 miles and changing everything.

Are you KIDDING me????

Just when I thought not much more could go wrong, it did. Almost to a point that makes me laugh about this shit.

Here's the timeline of the last 9.5 months. Last June, I got pregnant. It was ectopic. I went through the emotional nightmare of having to terminate that pregnancy. Our due date was March 17, 2012 - yesterday. Keep that date in mind. I always knew it would be tough, but never actually knew it could be worse than a missed due date.

Fast forward to January 2012. We do our first IVF cycle. BFN on February 20. Great.

Next month (as in this past cycle), we literally did not try. I was aware of my CM and other signs because I've been living that shit for 2 years, but there are no "we must have sex right now" conversations.Guess what. Yup, I get pregnant. I get a positive (very light) pee stick at night on March 15 and another (very light) in the morning on March 16.

Guess what happens next? On March 17, our fucking due date? You guessed it. I get a VERY negative pee test. Another god damned chemical pregnancy.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???? What next?!?!?!?!

They have my babies

My husband and I have been trying for a little over two years. It wasn't until about 18 months into trying that we thought we had broken the nasty cycle. We got pregnant. 5 weeks into it, we were delighted. 5 weeks and 1 day into it, still delighted. Then I had some cramping on one side and some spotting. I went in for an ultrasound. Given my history of not getting pregnant, they wanted to see me. I went in alone because my husband was at work. They told me they suspected I had an ectopic pregnancy. I went home that night to think about it but couldn't sleep for fear that my pregnancy would kill me. The next day, we went in - together this time - and were told conclusively that it was ectopic. We decided to terminate right then and there and I had my (painful) shots of methotrexate.

Fast forward a few weeks. I'm still in mourning, trying to fake being ok to the rest of the world. My husband's brother calls my husband to tell him the great news: they're pregnant. No "sorry to break the news to you, I know this is tough on you." Just "delighted, we're pregnant." Turns out they got pregnant the week we had to terminate.

They have my baby.

This past cycle was my first IVF cycle and it ended in a big fat fucking negative. Fast forward to yesterday (about a week and a half after I got my negative blood draw result). A friend of mine who has a daughter and who has been trying unsuccessfully for only 2 months to make baby # 2 told me: I'm pregnant. Great. She got pregnant the week my IVF was failing. Guess what.

She has my baby. 

I will wait with baited breath because I know it's coming: someone else I know well in real life who hasn't been dealing with infertility will announce a pregnancy with a due date at the end of October. I will then know where my second IVF embryo ended up.

Someone else will have my baby.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

Here I go

Well, I'm brand new to this blog because I made a mistake. Like some of you, when I started blogging, I told too many of my IRL friends about my blog. Gave them the website. None of them were pregnant at the time and silly me thought I'd get pregnant anytime now so who needs a blog about infertility. Slowly, over the next 13 months, my blog turned from a scheme to help myself unwind into an online diary about my battle with infertility. Slowly, as we went through IUIs and failed IVF, I realized I didn't have the safe space to bitch - sometimes about IRL friends - that I needed. Don't get me wrong, my IRL friends who know about our journey are, for the most part, very supportive. But I still am PISSED OFF that so many of them get pregnant without even trying. I am PISSED OFF that I am left behind, feeling used, bruised, and beaten. So, I am starting a brand new AND TOTALLY ANONYMOUS blog where I can say whatever the hell I want knowing nobody I know will read this (or know it's me).

Also, I need a space where I can say the terrible things that sometimes fill my head. I need to be able to get them out because, let's face it, only people dealing with infertility understand them. That they're not really me, but have been brought on by infertility. I can't talk to my husband about them because he doesn't fully understand (and because he is an absolutely wonderful human). I can put them on my other blog except that too many IRL friends read it and they wouldn't understand. So, I will use this space as a place to put whatever the hell is in my mind, even if it's something I would never ever admit to anyone in real life. 

WARNING: I do not believe swear words are bad words. I think they serve their purpose and I will be using them, probably regularly, in this blog.